I thought I would share a little something from my heart.
I cannot be grateful enough. When I see my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ striving and working for God, I see the reality of the Scriptures. The Scriptures ring true when someone is actually doing God's work. The Scriptures make so much sense when someone is disciplined in Christ. When I became a disciple of Christ in the past summer, my perception has changed completely. When I accepted the Scriptures as Truth and Authority into my heart, my faith grew.
I let go of my logic and my knowledge. I let go of what I've learned before and judgment. I let go of preconceived notion of what Christianity is. I let go of my struggle with living by the sermons at church. I let go of my mother's lessons. I let go of Christians' expectations. I let go of slogans and memorized verses. I let go of media's and famous pastors' and evangelists' discourse. I let go of everything I knew about God before the time when I started learning that there is something more than just believing in Jesus can save me from hell.
I relied on my "high" feelings to reinforce my belief that Jesus Christ is real. I relied on scientific evidences for God to continue to defend my belief. I relied on other people's anecdotes that I was not crazy. I relied on the flaws of other religion that Christianity was the only true thing. I relied on friendship with Christian friends that I could get through difficult times of loneliness and stresses from their prayers and encouragement. I relied on blessing verses that God would bring me relief to my financial burdens. I relied on music worship to get close to God. I relied on material blessings to know that I was loved. I relied on worldly humanistic wisdom that God was good. I relied on my weekly attending at Sunday church, Bible study and Tuesday lunch gathering to believe that I believed in Jesus Christ. For six years, I relied on easy ability to believe that Jesus saved my life and I could just do whatever I thought it was best for me. That was how I knew.
These reliance are not ways to follow God but these are great lessons to know that God is much, much bigger. I have gained awesome, good friends through these six years. Do I regret it? I don't because I have gained great gifts from God for I learned the errors of my ways.
I'm not saying the six years before this past summer were waste of my time. I genuinely believed in Christ as my Savior and my God. But I didn't know how I could resonate this belief into something real. I struggled a lot with my faith in God. I relied on things that were never of God's to keep my feeble faith going.
What was holding me back from knowing the true God was my past and my cynical view of the world. If God is so good, then why did I go through such traumatic experiences for a innocent little girl? When I learned of horrible events to people around the world, why is God not doing anything? When I saw people doing bad things, why is God not punishing them since God does not condone evil? Those questions were precedents in my view of Christianity. That view held me back although my heart was yearning for truth in the meanwhile.
I'm really glad that God has answered my prayer when I went to college. I really wanted a great group of Christian friends which ironically, a group of Christians in my past hurt me so much. I really wanted to go to a good church which ironically, the churches I went to in my past did not welcome me. I really wanted to know God which ironically, I used Him just to live a good life because I had a crappy past. I used "The Sinner's Prayer: Pray Jesus into My Heart" card so I could be a good person and get rewards. God answered my prayer with these six years but they weren't a complete package. These six years would have been enough. These six years would have kept me going with knowledge they had taught me. No, these six years were the beginning of God's answer to my faith.
There was something in my heart that flickered, something that had been wanting. I really want to say that this something is God's gift for me: humility. The gift of humility has taken me far. Despite my pride in my knowledge and blessings, God gave me humility because this wasn't it. It took me a while to get the memo. When I did, I let go. When I let go, God gave me a gift of joy in knowing the real truth through observation of the disciples of Christ living by the Scriptures.
The observation wasn't the only part of the gift; a girl, who wants to share the Truth and wanted to love because Christ loved her, came into my life. This girl, so compassionate that she saw how stuck I was in my darkness, teared up when I told her I hated my father. This girl, who never gives up trying to bring people to light, prayed for a year with other disciples so I could get out of my darkness. This girl, who never stands down when people reject her, was there for me when I needed her after I rejected her. This girl, who stands for Truth, showed me what Scriptures truly are about. She did it all in Christ for Christ because Christ did these actions, too. She had the love of Christ because she let go of her pride and let God teach her through the disciples of Christ. A hundred percent of her heart for Him went to me.
It was love of Christ that changed my heart. When I experienced the love of Christ through this girl, the flicker in my heart grew bigger. When I learned the Truth, I wanted to be baptized. Once I went under the water this past summer, I became her disciple and her sister. The disciples of Christ became my family. She continues to teach me about Christ and the Scriptures as Truth and Authority so I can become like Christ. I can change someone's heart with the love of Christ through me. All it takes is what she did for me, keep on loving and never give up. A hundred percent of my heart to someone.
If it wasn't for these six years, I wouldn't have met her. Who knows what would happen now if I had not met her?
