Very Painful Retribution

I blame myself. Right now, I am paying dearly for my choices in the past five years.

Granted, I was unemployed for four to five months so I am very tight on my finances. My situation now is much different than my situation was before last year. Somehow, the transition didn't phase me as it should have had because I would have made much better choices in the past nine months. Financially.

My previous situation was that I did not have a car and I did not pay rent since I had grants/scholarship and student loan to pay the rent on-campus every year for 6 years. Even though I would make small money, my net income was much bigger. My situation now is that I do have a car and I am living off-campus, so I am paying car stuff and rent. What hasn't changed is that I have to pay for my own food and cellphone. I am still making small money, my net income is close to zero.

Because I was in my previous situation for so long, I splurged. I didn't manage my budget very well. I spent on stupid things. I would go out to eat almost every day. I was happily buying my friends gifts and food. I didn't save money as much as I should. I used credit card like it was nothing, thinking that I would pay off instantly if I stayed at school as long as I could.

And then I had a nervous breakdown this past November. I was laid off by choice. I couldn't register in school anymore because I failed to submit my capstone proposal in time. I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, let alone my capstone. My biggest struggle resurfaced: my identity. So I decided to take a three-month break, hoping to recuperate and refocus on my capstone project and my business project during that break. But instead, I moped. I was depressed. I did not want to do anything except going to church every Sunday.

When break was over, I knew I couldn't go back to school for a while so I had to look for a job to maintain my finances. Instead of looking for a job that is related to my studies, I went looking for a minimum wage simple job. Sounds inadequate, isn't it? I had no confidence in myself because I lost passion in everything. I was afraid. I finally got a part-time job three weeks ago. I am making less than I used to.

It is very unfortunate that I had to wake up from bliss of ignorance by being unemployed for months. My savings was dwindling as months went by to pay for rent, car stuff, and food. I could have applied for unemployment help when I was laid off but my pride would not let me accept help from the government. I didn't want it on my record. It would have been nice as to not having to see my money disappearing from month to month but I would betray my honor that was passed down from my mother and my grandfather. Especially from my mother who taught me that God values hard work.

I'm in much deeper debt now because I lived on credit cards for months. This situation is forcing me to budget wisely though very painfully. I am forcing myself not to spend money at all outside of living necessities. I have to look at how much those necessities cost. I have to calculate how many hours I need to cover those costs. I have to force myself not to live a lifestyle that I had before.

The reality is harsh, people. A very painful retribution. And then the student loans comes in...

Self-Perpetuating White Noise

I hardly know what to say especially in public eyes. I rarely give my opinions though I have strong opinions to share with my friends. I usually give priority to learning everything I can because I love learning anything that I can get my hands on. I have interest in a very wide range of topics. There are some topics that I don't care for, such as finances and politics, but they are essential in living wisely.

No matter what the topic is, I always connect it to Biblical knowledge however relatively it may be. Science? Sure! Even Evolutionary Theory that some Christians deemed heresy. Computers? Yes! Psychology? Absolutely. LOLcats? Though it sounds ridiculous, then I would say, "Definitely."

In the social networking world, everyone has something to say. 99% of the time, it is opinionated. I do it, too.  On Facebook, I write what's on my mind and sometimes, I think to myself, "Why am I doing this?" If I think of something that I think is worth sharing, I post it. Little bit of my feelings and a lot of pointless media products.

Thanks to social networking world, 99% of my friends and I are revealed egotistical in some way. We love to share a piece of ourselves. Whenever a friend post a heavy opinion or life situation, I click on it and read all the comments below. I love learning what people think and what people do. It's a fascinating topic I delve into most of the times. As I have said to my close friends many times, I love history. I love to research and formulate hypothesis on how and why events may happened. You can see that in my previous post, Mere Speculations on Riches and Taxes.

After a year of exposure to Christian blogging world, I have learned a lot. I have read about types of church, Christian celebrity pastors, religion-political movements, famous Christian authors, doctrines, Christian media, and Christians' opinions and actions. During the reading stage, I would get into uncomfortable field of emotions. I have felt anger, confusion, haughtiness, challenged, defeated, shame and delight, all at the same time. I wanted to say something and give a piece of my mind to retaliate or prove someone wrong. I wanted to share on Facebook a some blogger's opinion that I agree with. I wanted to show the world that my belief is right based on Biblical truth. It's an ugly thing. And I only shared two or three times.

After a year, with all the knowledge I obtained from the Christian blogging world, I have become a little wiser: how NOT to act or react. I learned not to give my own opinion. No matter what I say, I won't win. No matter how hard I try to back it up with Scriptures, I come off as a religious hard-headed nut. No matter how much I try to back up someone else's opinion that I agree with, I feel too one-sided. I learned that involving in these ugly matters won't win any lost souls that Jesus commanded me to Great Commission. Even blogging won't do a thing.

Well, as long as I'm honest and willing to be humbled to listen, I'm cool, right?

We love to give opinions. But do I wonder what Jesus would say amongst the self-perpetuating white noise?

Just Saying To Myself

I want to be a do-er when I am a hear-er.
I want to be a say-er when I am a do-er.
I want to be a pray-er when I am a say-er.
I want to be a hear-er when I am a pray-er.