Passion

Passion is what drives people to do things. They are able to enjoy what they do for a living or as a hobby in spite of the difficulties or obstacles that may be in their ways. I envy those people who have passion.

I've been struggling to find what my passion is for a very long time. I thought I had when I chose a specific set of classes or an extra-curricular activity that were determined by my so called passion. Every time I'd do something, it'd end up being short. It was fleeting. Whether they were easy or hard, possible or not possible, I'd never stick with it. I had so many people tell me that I was good at some things and I should not give up on them. Only if I had the drive or passion to continue.

At the moment, I did enjoy doing things. I had good experiences. There weren't any bad moments that made me stop. There was something missing. I never knew what it was. Perhaps I wasn't interested anymore. I just stopped for no reason.

Even if I had discipline to continue to do one thing for a long time, I simply didn't enjoy much after awhile as much as I used to. For example, I continued to excel at mathematics since I was little. I loved mathematics. I liked problem solving and liked playing with numbers and finding patterns. Geometry and Calculus were my favorite forms. But somehow, my drive for it died when I reached my third year. I didn't quit because it was hard. I quit because I couldn't see myself in this field. I continued it because I was good at it. Looking back, I don't think my passion was in that area.

I have a wide range of interests and the likes and I never stick with one. If you were my friend, and you asked me what my favorite thing was, I would have a very difficult time to answer.

For a long time, I couldn't find myself enjoying my overall life. I felt that I was just living inside of a blank person with a blank personality. That blank personality was defined by anyone or anything of influence at the time when I was in contact with, and all I had to do was to do what they told or asked me to do.

I still feel this way. I have accumulated a lot of wisdom and experiences and yet, I don't feel alive.

Which is contradictory to my sure faith in God. I believe solidly in Christ and everything that He is. With that strong belief alone, I should feel alive. I have purpose. I would do everything that I could to do fulfill that purpose and hope that God is fulfilling His promises for us. I have love within my community. I have everything I need (minus the job. Sigh, I'm still looking.) His desires and passions are mine. He drives me.

And yet, I don't feel alive at this moment. Why is that?

Maybe I'm just crazy.

Extra Credits: God Does Not Play Dice

I think this also applies to any religion. Why do you believe in your religion?