Inner Struggle

Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit" had been a perpetual song for my soul throughout my college years. It still speaks now when I am struggling within myself. It's a real battle every day. It is not only using, but thinking. Like a part of the lyrics, I don't know how I got this way but I know it's not alright.

I have hurts and wounds. To move forward, I had to numb myself from feeling them again. They would never go away so I numbed myself more and more. Each time, they got increasingly intense.

Eventually, I became apathetic to the world. I became a cynic without hope for healing. Memories consume like opening the wound; I'm picking me apart again. I locked myself in my room so I could ritually leave myself in there once I stepped out to face the day. It was destructive. The battles always choose.

There were irrational days when I acted out of anger without a reason. I often went to school and toiled away, leaving me to wonder that I don't know what's worth fighting for (because I lost my identity in the process) or why I have to scream (inside). I don't know why I instigate (with my down-spiraling thoughts) and say what I don't mean (to God and to myself).

I'll paint it on the walls because I'm the one that falls. I'll never fight again and this is how it ends. I didn't want to deal anymore. I wanted it to end. The only way to end it was to end myself.

One day, I was presented with something beyond comprehension. Someone came into my life and wanted to love me. Clutching my cure (AGAPE), I tightly lock the door (this is it, no going back). Once I opened my wounds, I hurt so much more but I had no options left again. I began to know myself by letting go my fears.

Now that I have some clarity, I can show you what I mean. When I chose to give myself to the Lord, He washed me and made me new. Everyday, I have to confess my sins daily and courageously follow Him. That's how I am being healed. That's how slowly but surely, I can empathize again. I can live. I can present you with something beyond comprehension: AGAPE.

I'm breaking the habit tonight, every night. I still have my inner struggle but God is winning every night. Each morning anew.

The Resistance By Josh Garrels

I was born into a system constructed for failure
It’s a sinking ship being manned by drunken sailors
An escape artist behind the bars of a jailor
An asthmatic attack when they withold the inhaler

If the shoe doesn’t fit what good is a tailor
In the midst of a crisis please cancel the gala
Without a symphony there’s no need for a prelude
To foreshadow what’s to come.

See the secret committees, commence with their meetings
To make red tape in response to simple questions
Questions threaten the perception of the beneficial systems
A pyramid scheme with its cogs and its pistons

Mechanization of men, making more and more
Live in a miserable existence
How can so few, claim so many victims
And this begs the question

My rest is a weapon against the oppression
Of mans obsession to control things
Look at the long line of make believe kings
The lord of the flies wants you to kiss his ring

Follow new rules with invisible strings
And become a puppet in the diabolical scheme
How do good men become part of the regime
They don’t believe in resistance.

Hold fast like an anchor in the storm
We will not be moved

Lesson number one, overcome
Every fear of regret and confusion
It’s all illusion, delusion
Sent to disconnect the holy fusion
Of spirit and the flesh

Every mortal breath, is meant to bring forth fire
But only when the fear of death, gets consumed
On the funeral pier
So let the flames rise higher

Let every man be considered a liar
If he doubts the goodness and faithfulness of God
Itching ears will compulsively nod in approval
When unbelief is taught in all our temples and schools
But God can restrain the madness of a fool

He can bring His truth through the mouth of a mule
You can move an mountain without any tools
It just takes the faith of a little seed
to make a way through what might seem to be
Impossibility,

And the ability will match the occasion
The outcome will defy explanation
The liberation will not be televised
When it arrives like lightning in the skies

Hold fast like an anchor in the storm
For your love, we will rise and overcome
Through the fire

Hold fast my people and sing
Through peace and through suffering
All for the joy that it brings, to be free
It’s gonna cost us everything
To follow one Lord and King
True love endures everything
To be free

Hold fast, like an anchor in the storm
We will not be moved

Reluctance Can Be Good

I'm very reluctant in sharing the Gospel on Facebook. In fact, I am with anyone outside of the church. Sometimes, I get reluctant to talk about Jesus with my Christian friends who are not part of the church I go to. It makes me uncomfortable.

Knowing the Scriptures can defend itself because God doesn't need someone to defend Him, it's a hard feeling that I don't share anything about Jesus. It's not the fear of rejection. My fear is hypocrisy. If I say I'm a Christian, I represent Christianity. If I want people understand Christianity, I must demonstrate the persona of Christianity besides just talking about it. How can an athlete achieve a gold medal? By intentionally and wholeheartedly devote oneself to practice everyday to become a gold medaled athlete even if one don't win a gold medal in the end.

I can talk about the Gospel. I can talk about Jesus and how I practice my faith that came from hearing the Word of God. However, I don't talk on Facebook. I don't claim to know all the answers or my interpretations are right. I wrestle with God's Word slash Jesus's teaching. By getting answers, I'd write on Facebook, hoping that someone would help me understand or achieve a goal to become more like Jesus. But instead, I'd get arguments or blatant disagreements. My honest opinion is an opinion. If I speak truth, I point to the Scriptures and why it has affected me in such a way.

Such experiences like that make me think twice about sharing it on Facebook. I have to show it from the inside in person. When I speak, there is no going back. I need to follow up with an action to show it. That I meant it. That the Gospel is real. That how Gospel has changed me. That what Jesus is saying is actually real. That why I came to be because of it.

If I don't follow up with what I say, I'm a liar or a hypocrite. If I share on Facebook, how can they see my actions? How can they see God's love if I argue with people? How can they see that I'm genuine about faith and in loving others because God loves me? Besides, I don't need to defend my faith. I let the Scriptures speak for itself and I'm just its vessel.

If I get defensive, then it shows that I want to be right no matter how wrong I can be. That's how I tend to get on Facebook. But that doesn't speak love. I need to be real and transparent. If I don't know then I say I don't know. Honesty is a real deal. It definitely brings out the realness of self and genuine expression of faith.

Being honest is an action too. It takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable because that's when God molds us. When we're honest with ourselves and others, we become vulnerable. It's not comfortable and yet that's how we grow. Like if the soil is soft and malleable, then the plant can sprout from its seed underground. If the soil is hardened, the plant will choke and will not grow.

Reluctance can be good if you don't want to be a hypocrite. Even if you believe so strongly, you want to think twice before you say anything because you don't want to make Jesus a liar. After all, action is needed to complete the talk. To talk about God is very serious. I care so much not to fail God by lying.