Very Painful Retribution

I blame myself. Right now, I am paying dearly for my choices in the past five years.

Granted, I was unemployed for four to five months so I am very tight on my finances. My situation now is much different than my situation was before last year. Somehow, the transition didn't phase me as it should have had because I would have made much better choices in the past nine months. Financially.

My previous situation was that I did not have a car and I did not pay rent since I had grants/scholarship and student loan to pay the rent on-campus every year for 6 years. Even though I would make small money, my net income was much bigger. My situation now is that I do have a car and I am living off-campus, so I am paying car stuff and rent. What hasn't changed is that I have to pay for my own food and cellphone. I am still making small money, my net income is close to zero.

Because I was in my previous situation for so long, I splurged. I didn't manage my budget very well. I spent on stupid things. I would go out to eat almost every day. I was happily buying my friends gifts and food. I didn't save money as much as I should. I used credit card like it was nothing, thinking that I would pay off instantly if I stayed at school as long as I could.

And then I had a nervous breakdown this past November. I was laid off by choice. I couldn't register in school anymore because I failed to submit my capstone proposal in time. I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, let alone my capstone. My biggest struggle resurfaced: my identity. So I decided to take a three-month break, hoping to recuperate and refocus on my capstone project and my business project during that break. But instead, I moped. I was depressed. I did not want to do anything except going to church every Sunday.

When break was over, I knew I couldn't go back to school for a while so I had to look for a job to maintain my finances. Instead of looking for a job that is related to my studies, I went looking for a minimum wage simple job. Sounds inadequate, isn't it? I had no confidence in myself because I lost passion in everything. I was afraid. I finally got a part-time job three weeks ago. I am making less than I used to.

It is very unfortunate that I had to wake up from bliss of ignorance by being unemployed for months. My savings was dwindling as months went by to pay for rent, car stuff, and food. I could have applied for unemployment help when I was laid off but my pride would not let me accept help from the government. I didn't want it on my record. It would have been nice as to not having to see my money disappearing from month to month but I would betray my honor that was passed down from my mother and my grandfather. Especially from my mother who taught me that God values hard work.

I'm in much deeper debt now because I lived on credit cards for months. This situation is forcing me to budget wisely though very painfully. I am forcing myself not to spend money at all outside of living necessities. I have to look at how much those necessities cost. I have to calculate how many hours I need to cover those costs. I have to force myself not to live a lifestyle that I had before.

The reality is harsh, people. A very painful retribution. And then the student loans comes in...