Lack Of Discipline

I think a lack of discipline is the root of my problems. Although I would love to blame everything that went and goes wrong on my parents and people who hurt me in the past because I have a lack of passion and no self-identity, I have a choice. To be disciplined or not to be disciplined.

Discipline is what stands as a root of anything that we do to accomplish. I believe it is. Because I did not stick to the work I was assigned, I lost passion for it. The work was grueling and confusing. I didn't like it at all. But in fact, I signed up for it. I paid for it because I thought it was interesting. I thought it would stimulate my mind to its full potential. I thought it would turn my interest into profit. If I was disciplined to finish every step of the way, I would have been proud of a big accomplishment. Instead, when it got too hard, I ran away. I tried to go back but the longer I stayed off, the worse it got.

The big irony of this is that I was very disciplined growing up (thanks to my mom). I was very studious and did everything well to the best of my abilities. I failed several times but I didn't give up. Perhaps, the biggest contribution to my current lack of discipline is the lack of information or lack of exploration beyond my family's expectations. My high school did not prepare me for post high school life but it did send me in a direction.

Perhaps, I lack information in my school work. Maybe that's why I did not stick to it. But my emotions associated with it were negative. I dropped out and I work miserably at minimum wage jobs. I try to be grateful because I am not unemployed and employers are not morally bad but it's really hard to after I pay back loans (and credit as well) and bills, I have almost nothing in my account.

Perhaps, if I go back and be disciplined in it, it will pay off. I will have a better job and be in a good financial situation so I don't have to worry so much everyday. I don't have to worry about my debt being forced onto my family. If going back is painful or back fires in my face because I left, I know I tried. It will be another hardship I have to endure.

Of course, I pray to God for a better job or a better situation but I know He is teaching me through all the hardships I'm enduring. Some of the hardships are the consequence of my action and choice, and unfortunately, others are the consequences of others around me. When the opportunity presents itself in unexpected ways, I wonder if this is the one I should take advantage of even at the cost of my own, like signing up for a life insurance.

There is one discipline that I don't want to lack in at any time. It is a walk with God. I'm glad that I have a family to support me and guide me in being a disciple of Christ. I make mistakes and falter from being perfect, but I definitely can believe in God's discipline will do me and others well in the long term (eternity). What's great about being a disciple of Christ, God teaches me every step of the way. His knowledge is readily available as long as my heart is open to it.