Complaining Away

I love to complain, but not like I am absolutely in love with the idea of complaining. It's more like I can't help it. I know complaining hurts and it destroys the sense of gratitude for simple things. So knowing how much complaining hurts my faith, I just can't help but complain about almost everything. Well, everything if I think about which things I didn't complain of.

There are global problems that everybody face. Unfortunately, some more than others. That others live so comfortably that global problems aren't present in their lives. I could fairly say that I am living comfortably if I compare myself to people who are facing serious hunger or illness or poverty or war. Although in United States, I am earning under a poverty line. I don't have health insurance so if I have serious illness, I can't have treatment. I don't starve but I eat less quality and cheap food during the weekdays. But I am still alive and enjoy privileges of having a roof over my head, a minimum wage job in a tough economic times, a car, Internet, entertainment and friends who like to treat me.

I can fairly say I'm in a safe environment. So why am I complaining? It is like throwing a gift of provision back in God's face and say, "This isn't good enough. I deserve better," when thousands of people are in serious danger.

I think it's a way of acknowledging what I have but in selfishness. Whenever I complain, it's about me not getting what I want or deserve. But there are few that are on the fence between selfishness and unfairness. Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm facing an unfair situation or I'm having a sense of entitlement. I can tell if other people are being selfish or snobby. But for me, it's hard to tell.

What I am learning from my train of thought right now? Well, nothing. I already know what complaining is and what it does. I may know sooner or later that my complaining comes from selfishness. But it sucks that I hate my job that has nothing to do with my field and I am earning way less than I would've like to when I factor in how much I invested in higher education. I feel like I abandoned my family in the dust when they rode their hopes and dreams on me. I should take actions and do something about it. Well, the thing is -- I'm not wholehearted in anything except when making a decision to follow Christ. Sometimes, I forget about that decision.

I'm still in the rut. Depression is creeping back in. My emotions are in the negative zone. What I can do? Prayer. Discipline. Gratitude. Fellowship. Giving. Focus on the heavenly realm and what is to come. God's promises. God gave me what I needed and He continues to give me what I need. I wish my wants aren't from worldly desires and I wish my feelings resonate strongly with God's desires.