Passion

Passion is what drives people to do things. They are able to enjoy what they do for a living or as a hobby in spite of the difficulties or obstacles that may be in their ways. I envy those people who have passion.

I've been struggling to find what my passion is for a very long time. I thought I had when I chose a specific set of classes or an extra-curricular activity that were determined by my so called passion. Every time I'd do something, it'd end up being short. It was fleeting. Whether they were easy or hard, possible or not possible, I'd never stick with it. I had so many people tell me that I was good at some things and I should not give up on them. Only if I had the drive or passion to continue.

At the moment, I did enjoy doing things. I had good experiences. There weren't any bad moments that made me stop. There was something missing. I never knew what it was. Perhaps I wasn't interested anymore. I just stopped for no reason.

Even if I had discipline to continue to do one thing for a long time, I simply didn't enjoy much after awhile as much as I used to. For example, I continued to excel at mathematics since I was little. I loved mathematics. I liked problem solving and liked playing with numbers and finding patterns. Geometry and Calculus were my favorite forms. But somehow, my drive for it died when I reached my third year. I didn't quit because it was hard. I quit because I couldn't see myself in this field. I continued it because I was good at it. Looking back, I don't think my passion was in that area.

I have a wide range of interests and the likes and I never stick with one. If you were my friend, and you asked me what my favorite thing was, I would have a very difficult time to answer.

For a long time, I couldn't find myself enjoying my overall life. I felt that I was just living inside of a blank person with a blank personality. That blank personality was defined by anyone or anything of influence at the time when I was in contact with, and all I had to do was to do what they told or asked me to do.

I still feel this way. I have accumulated a lot of wisdom and experiences and yet, I don't feel alive.

Which is contradictory to my sure faith in God. I believe solidly in Christ and everything that He is. With that strong belief alone, I should feel alive. I have purpose. I would do everything that I could to do fulfill that purpose and hope that God is fulfilling His promises for us. I have love within my community. I have everything I need (minus the job. Sigh, I'm still looking.) His desires and passions are mine. He drives me.

And yet, I don't feel alive at this moment. Why is that?

Maybe I'm just crazy.

Extra Credits: God Does Not Play Dice

I think this also applies to any religion. Why do you believe in your religion?

Are You My Christian Fellow?

I think the human's system of Christianity is the messiest one we could ever been in. Christianity is a religion that no one could agree in majority of its area. The core value of Christianity is Jesus Christ and yet there are groups within this system who may not agree with him. You could say that they shouldn't belong there and yet they would fight you that they do. I believe there are over one thousand denominations, simply because they disagree with another over some elements. In my line of thought, the two biggest mistakes that anyone can make when they are personally following Jesus Christ as they claim they are is to say to a person, "You are saved." and "I am saved."

That line may cause anyone of faith who read this to say to me, "Aren't you a downer? Do you not have faith?"

I do have faith. When you say you are a Christian, I will have faith that you are saved. I cannot, however, say you are saved. I cannot confirm or deny that you are saved. It is entirely up to Jesus to decide whether you are saved or not. Even if I see evidences or lack thereof, I cannot say it. I can't even say that I am saved either. God chooses whoever He wants. He is the Judge. Jesus has the power and the grace. 

Regardless of what you believe in, I will love you like Jesus does. If you say you are a Christian, I will treat you like I would treat my brother or sister in Christ according to Scriptures. If I see that you don't follow his instructions in the Scriptures, I will call you out on it. If you reject my discernment, I will still love you like Jesus does. I won't condemn you because it is not my job. If you continue to hurt people because you are not submitting to the Lord under the label you put on yourself, I will reject you. But I will have forgiveness and have hope that Lord will change you as He will change me. And I ask you to do the same to me. 

All I ask of us is that we are honest with ourselves and be humble continuously. God loves humility. God hates prideful men. God abhors people who continue to sin and think this is okay. God loves people who repent and choose to walk in the righteous path. And guess what? It's a lifelong struggle. As long as we are focused on the present and live like we are in His kingdom, let's have faith that God has welcomed us as He changed us. Let's use His gifts to bring to the others who are in the darkness. We have given the truth. His truth made us to be light in the world. Let's not dim it. Let us depend on Holy Spirit to work in us and through us.

Why do I have faith? Because I've seen the fruit of the Holy Spirit. I've seen what Scriptures does to the world. Even if the followers are not perfect, I've seen that God can change. I've seen how God has changed me. Change happens when people repent and submit to the Lord. For the good of His glory. When people walk in obedience to Jesus, miracles happen.

Read the Scriptures. Spend time studying them. Pray. And wrestle with them together.

My Goal For 2013

We shouldn't set new goals whenever a new year comes around. A new goal should set whenever you feel the need to change. Anyway...

I've talked about my new goals a lot around the New Year's day. Realizing who Jesus is, I am compelled to let down the wall that was preventing me to truly feel the emotions. How could I relate to people if I didn't feel how they feel? Jesus had compassion therefore he felt how people felt. He wept when they wept. He had emotions. When people are hurting in any circumstance whether they hurt you or someone, you gotta have compassion. This way, you can walk with them as if you are in their shoes so they can have someone to get through their sufferings.

Another goal is to follow my thought with an immediate action. If I need to do something, I just do it. Skip the planning or worrying with what ifs. Sure, planning is important before you take any drastic action. But if I know that I'm doing it by the truth and love, then I gotta do it regardless of what other people think. No one needs to wait few more seconds to see the love of God and hear the gospel through you.

My biggest goal for this year is start trusting in God and His healing power. I have so much wounds in my heart and the result of those wounds from traumatic experiences is distrust. I want to trust in God. I've seen evidences of His love. I've seen His power in my life. And yet it is very difficult for me to trust in Him. If I don't trust Him, how can I trust His healing power? I want to be healed. I don't want to be angry, bitter, cynical and unforgiving anymore. I want to let go of guilt and shame. I want to love freely.

Your Job Can Teach A Lot

I wanted to do a Gratitude of the Week last week but I didn't. I didn't try, I just didn't.

Last week was special. I spent most of my free time helping my friends with the move, with the meals and with the babysitting. And I quit my job.

Last Thursday, I quit my job at Goodwill. Quitting that day wasn't my first time quitting my job but it was certainly a first time quitting in a miserable state. Quitting my previous jobs were out of obligation. I had  multiple jobs (to get full twenty hours a week) but one department wanted me to work "full hours" with a reward of pay raise so I quit my other jobs even though I didn't want to. Then I had to quit that job when I couldn't register at school on their terms. Quitting Goodwill was an entirely different experience.

I came home and saw my friend. She saw that I was in a state of shock and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I quit Goodwill when I couldn't take it anymore. My personal reasons were that I wasn't making money, to work few hours a day wasn't worth driving an hour for, and their wildly and inconsistent scheduling had made me overworked, more tired and prevented me mostly from to do anything else. I persisted for nine months on their terms but I just couldn't withstand their insincerity any longer. Goodwill was a very confusing place to work at. The only thing made sense to me was that I was just their disposable robot. I felt like I was.

So what are the good things that came out of this? I've learned:

• A lot about myself in unpleasant ways.
• More patience. 
• That people are people and system is system.
• That enabling is bad.
• That passive aggressiveness is not good. 
• That attitude makes a huge difference. 
• That numbers don't speak for people.
• That communication is very important. 
• That there are so many people who can't get what they deserve.
• That most people are very friendly when you're friendly.
• That you can make a huge difference in small ways. 
• That not all workplaces reward your long and hard work even when it includes beyond your job description.
• That sometimes, an immediate action is necessary.
• That proper boundaries are important.
• That you can't always protect someone.
• That breaking one rule few times can be bad even if your intention is pure.
• That people can misinterpret your quietness and focus as if you are angry at them. (When I'm focused, I look like I'm angry at the world. Someone had actually told me that. I find that hilarious.)
• That staying positive for a long time is a very hard thing to do when bad things are thrown at you constantly.
• That if you don't like it, change your situation or yourself. Aim high. Don't give up.

Hopefully, this post doesn't discriminate me as a disgruntled, self-entitled, and angry person. I don't have hard feelings toward anyone. I'm grateful that I've learned so much in the past year than I would have at school in over a decade. I hope that I can still meet with people that I worked with. 

Here's a fighting spirit and hope to 2013 for me. No more poor choices. No more depression. No more self-loathing. No more helplessness. No more hopelessness.

The Language of Christianity

The language of Christianity from CNN on Vimeo.

Christianity is like a language with different dialects, and over time some terminology may lose its essential meaning.

Gratitude Of The Week: Knowing An Old Friend Again

This is actually from last week. My old friend from RIT came to visit last week from North Carolina. We met on New Year's Day and it was special. I thought it was a great way to kick off a new year: building new relationships and rebuilding old relationships.

I knew I had changed a lot since we last met. He had changed too. That day, we caught up and got to know each other again. Our bond strengthened when we shared our faith together even though we go to different churches. We encouraged each other to grow more in Christ as we shared what we learned in our walks.

I spent all day (9 hours!) with him and we did not cease talking. No awkward silence or awkward breaks (distractions) which was awesome.

I hope to visit him one day in North Carolina and get a chance to explore the South. I trust that we have a long lasting friendship and continue to walk and grow together even if we are 700 miles away.

The Scheme Of The Ten Commandments

Note: This is simply to explain the laws on the side of the spirit. I hope that it will give you a clearer knowledge of why God made such laws and who He is through them. Because of Jesus, we are highly motivated to do what God commands of us in the New Testaments in light of who God is, a loving Creator.

From the time of Moses to the time of Jesus, the Ten Commandments were the foundation. They were mandated by God for His people. The Ten Commandments were not guidelines and they were not an issue of morality. They were the laws. No one could break one and expected to get away with it.

It seems like the most Christians' sentiment of the Ten Commandments was thinking like they were rules or works or outdated or not important. What they failed to realize that these commandments were summed up by Jesus' Greatest Commandment: Love God and love your neighbors as you love yourself. These commandments are actually practical when we try to follow the Greatest Commandment. Jesus fulfilled the Ten Commandment by showing how he served God and people in the Gospel along with a completion of crucifixion and resurrection.

If you look at them from God's perspective, you will understand why the Ten Commandments were necessary as to why God made them. Think of the world in the long run instead of short run. What would happen if every single one of us followed them? What would the world look like if no one broke the Ten Commandments at any time?

The world would look like heaven. Seriously. No pain, no sorrow, no unnecessary deaths, no grief, no corruption, no dramas, no bad things. Think about the consequences of each commandment (loving your neighbors part) if it is followed by everyone. God made them to protect us from ourselves (our sinful natures).

• No unnecessary and sudden deaths, that lives were taken by someone else. (6. You shall not murder.)
• No hurt, betrayal, confusion, and broken relationships. (7.  You shall not commit adultery.)
• No one had to worry about things and their loved ones taken away. No house was broken into. No life savings were scammed. No lives would be ruined. (8. You shall not steal.)
• Justice would work perfectly. No innocent people would go to jail or prison or get punished. No slander and no lies. No evil people would get away with their evil deeds because they would lie and hurt people in the process. (9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.)
• No jealousy, no drama, no hurt. Everyone would be grateful and got to keep one's own earnings without worry. It would give everyone a chance to share gladly. (10. You shall not covet anything of your neighbor's.)

See how much better the world would be if the commandments were kept? See how loving and good God is?

In order to keep the loving your neighbor commandments, we have to keep loving God commandments because we are sinners. If we focus on God, God helps us to be not self-centered since God is love and all things good. That's the first half of the Ten Commandments. Remember that God has created us and has delivered us. We must honor Him for He is our God. Anything that distracts us from God is an idol. An idol is what we focus on rather than on God which turns us into selfish beings. If we are selfish, then we break the rest of the commandments in one way or another. That is why Jesus said, "Love God" first and then "love your neighbors."

Jesus showed us the way. When we are forgiven of our sins by his death and resurrection, we can start anew and be overwhelmingly grateful of God's love for us. Would it make sense that we want to do what God commands of us because what of God has done for us? For Him to have done for us, wouldn't we want the same for others? That's why he is the way, the truth, and the life. That's why he commanded us to do the Great Commission. Imagine the world would be like if we teach others about God and to follow Him.

I want to implore to you to change your mentality from "God and me" to "God and His wonderful creation".

Gratitude Of the Week: Meaningful New Year's Eve

On the New Year's Eve, I attended a party at the Wilson's. Some of the church family showed up when they didn't have somewhere else to go at the time. The rest went on vacation in other states enjoying their sunshine and their families.

It was very meaningful. We shared our stories about the year of 2012 in terms of how a movie or a book impacted our lives. I got to hear each one's heart and be part of the connection shared deeply with each other. I don't usually see most of them so it was a rare treat. We sang songs and prayed. We shared what we learned from the year of 2012 and what we look forward to in 2013 when we had our goals set.

I'm so grateful to have a very meaningful party and it is by far the best New Year's Eve I've ever had.

Gratitude Of The Week: Being Ourselves In Christ

I had dinner twice with my friends from my old church this week. While our mutual friend was having a baby on Christmas, we had a back up plan that we would dinner ourselves while wishing her a safe birth. It was great. The conversation that we had was organic. We hardly knew each other at the time. But we were getting to know each other better and I felt like we were comfortable with each other to talk about faith deeply.

Then on the second dinner, I brought my roommate to meet with them. At a good start, we all felt like ourselves and had a good conversation. It was awesome to hear them speak at the heart level and were not shy to answer honestly. They were strangers and now they're friends.

I'm grateful that God has brought us to be who we are in Christ and be comfortable with each other even though we were strangers to each other. Being honest and being ourselves even if a baby was there getting all the attention, the Christ's love between us was evident. I love it. I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

Gratitude Of The Week: Listening To Hearts And Minds

Tonight, I went to the Spot Coffee, a local coffee shop in downtown Rochester, to support my friends on Open Mic Night. They're hams. They love performing their artwork and their passion behind the mic and in front of the people. This week, we dressed up in classy outfits and two people won the contest. One male and one female; they won a free drink at the shop.

For two hours, I listened to many different young people go up and speak their pieces: poetry, songs, essays, and readings. It was a good cultural experience in the local area where people would share a piece of their hearts and minds in their artistic ways.

After the show, I got to meet new people and listen to their experiences. It was a good night to support my friends and attend with one. It was fun to dress up, too. I would like to go more in the future. I think it's a time of luxury for me.

I love spending time with my friend, Deb. I love listening to her. Any chance I'd get to hear her in person is like a birthday gift to me. Not that it is rare to meet with her, I just love her so much.

Prelude To Gratitude Of The Week

After speaking with some sisters as I was wrestling with what some brothers taught, I thought I would give in and apply this one to my life. "Write three gratitudes or positive experiences a day." As much as I would shudder at the thought of life applications of the Bible, I think writing down gratitude would be helpful. After all, as Christians, we need to do this for the sake of glorifying God who is the ultimate giver.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. - Philippians 4:4-9 (ESV)

Why would I shudder, you may ask? For a long time, I was taught to be thankful which is not a bad teaching at all. But as to what we are thankful for, I was conflicted. There are always people who are more fortunate than I am and there are always people who are less fortunate than I am. To compare to the more fortunate ones, I was taught not be jealous or to covet. Fair statement -- it followed the tenth commandment. To compare to the less fortunate ones, I was taught to be grateful for what I have in terms of material possessions and security along with the salvation. To apply this kind of gratitude had put me in the weird, conflicted moral position.

I hate comparison. I was hurt a lot by comparison. My mother would compare me to the children of her co-workers. She would tell me what they did and what I lacked or what I should do in the future. It was like I was not good enough for her. It was a part of putting me on a pedestal which put me under a huge pressure of her expectations. Not only her expectations but my entire family's as well. I was their hope to bring them out of financial burdens because my future looked promising when I got accepted into one of the top universities and my field of study was considered to be designed for brilliant minds. In fact, I was promising to them as I was growing up when I started showing my talent of a great academic mind which could lead to fulfillment of the American Dream. But I had to be better than everyone else. I did not speculate this. They told me. Directly. Many times.

In the church,, the life applications were taught as means of alleviating from pains of trials we go through. It was all about "me" in the woes and "I" needed to rely on God to get me out of a trial. "I" needed to have faith hard enough in God in order for him to grant "my" prayers.  "I" had to take the first step and God would take care of everything else. God would grant "me" 'my" wishes of wealth because He promised "me" that He would prosper His children (Jeremiah 29:11 & Psalm 37:4). Because He saved me when I accepted His Son into my heart, He surely would give me everything here on earth, right? Why would He let His children suffer for their lack of material wealth, great career, good marriage, good health, and/or security in America the Christian nation? "I" have the right to equality, liberty and pursuit of happiness as a American Christian. If not, why would God give "me" "my" natural born talents?

Having gratitude is not hard. I'm grateful a lot of times. My life wasn't so hard either (besides my childhood). However, my family's and societal expectations caused me to have severe depression at college. That teaching was detrimental to my faith because my desires were never realized. The lives of Jesus and his disciples were opposite of the that teaching. I was jealous of my friends who did well. I never wanted to compare myself to people in third world countries or people with cancer from American egocentric perspective. But what could I do to be in a grateful mood?

For the past two months, my roommate would often ask me to look for good things in places where I hate to be at. I hated answering that question. I did not want to do positive thinking tactic. Tainted by my past, it was difficult to hear my brother's teaching about gratitude and renewing the mind. Out of context, it sounded like "The Secret". Of course, that was not what my brother was teaching at all.

After hearing my roommate's little sister sharing her gratitude of having relationships with her sisters and friends, I was encouraged to write down my gratitude. Better yet, I thought I would share from the depth of my heart on my blog weekly. Hence the title "Prelude to Gratitude of the Week." I think Thursday would be good. It is the only day when I have day off. It would be a good part of the Sabbath.

Well, I look forward to it. I hope you are, too.

The Feeling Of Gospel Being Alive

I feel this way sometimes: that the gospel is lost in our lives. Not just in my life but in a lot of people's lives. The people that I know. Whether they are Christians or not, in my church or not, in my interest group or not, but definitely in my life, I feel like that the gospel is lost most of the time.

But...

The feeling of the gospel is alive jumps in my heart when I see a friend sacrificing his or her life for another person. Recently this year, two of my friends adopted two Ethiopian deaf kids who are much older than the average adopted age. What is even more remarkable that the adopters are in their early twenties. They worked so hard to raise few tens of thousands of dollars and waited so patiently to adopt from the first day of their marriage. They even barely graduated! And the love they have for the kids are so heart-warming and I sense their agape. Their example of self-sacrificing and agape-giving is truly touching. They paint the picture that reflects the gospel.

Another friend whose parents adopted the two kids off the street. They already have five kids and all the kids already have reached the college age. When they saw two dirty kids wandering on the street, they welcomed them in the house. Somehow, these two kids had problems emotionally and mentally, and I don't know their background. But they decided to take care of the two kids as if they are their own. It's heart-warming. 

Another friend adopted her niece as her own daughter. When she got married, her husband was on board to adopt her. Her parents were drug addicts and didn't care for her at all. Her father's sister stepped in and raised her as if she was her own kid. After seven years of legal custody battle, my friend and her husband finally adopted her. They sacrifice so much for her and they love her unconditionally. 

I got adopted (metaphorically) into a family as a sister. I never have so many brothers and sisters before. The love for each other is overwhelmingly family-like. I am unconditionally loved by many including my current roommates. They are my sisters, too. In return, I want to love unconditionally as well, not just them but everyone else. One of them wants to adopt (legally).

The gospel is alive when people in Christ adopt others as their own, legally or metaphorically. Give them unconditional love and care. They put their whole lives into the others and they fight to sustain for the rest of their lives.

That's what God did and continue to do so. He adopts us as His own children by the sacrifice of His own son. When we are adopted, we change. When we get older and matured, we want to do the same for the others. 

I am sure that the kids who were adopted will grow up to be loving people who have a heart for others like their adopted parents have a heart for them. I pray that this kind of love will pass on without skipping a generation.

Inner Struggle

Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit" had been a perpetual song for my soul throughout my college years. It still speaks now when I am struggling within myself. It's a real battle every day. It is not only using, but thinking. Like a part of the lyrics, I don't know how I got this way but I know it's not alright.

I have hurts and wounds. To move forward, I had to numb myself from feeling them again. They would never go away so I numbed myself more and more. Each time, they got increasingly intense.

Eventually, I became apathetic to the world. I became a cynic without hope for healing. Memories consume like opening the wound; I'm picking me apart again. I locked myself in my room so I could ritually leave myself in there once I stepped out to face the day. It was destructive. The battles always choose.

There were irrational days when I acted out of anger without a reason. I often went to school and toiled away, leaving me to wonder that I don't know what's worth fighting for (because I lost my identity in the process) or why I have to scream (inside). I don't know why I instigate (with my down-spiraling thoughts) and say what I don't mean (to God and to myself).

I'll paint it on the walls because I'm the one that falls. I'll never fight again and this is how it ends. I didn't want to deal anymore. I wanted it to end. The only way to end it was to end myself.

One day, I was presented with something beyond comprehension. Someone came into my life and wanted to love me. Clutching my cure (AGAPE), I tightly lock the door (this is it, no going back). Once I opened my wounds, I hurt so much more but I had no options left again. I began to know myself by letting go my fears.

Now that I have some clarity, I can show you what I mean. When I chose to give myself to the Lord, He washed me and made me new. Everyday, I have to confess my sins daily and courageously follow Him. That's how I am being healed. That's how slowly but surely, I can empathize again. I can live. I can present you with something beyond comprehension: AGAPE.

I'm breaking the habit tonight, every night. I still have my inner struggle but God is winning every night. Each morning anew.

The Resistance By Josh Garrels

I was born into a system constructed for failure
It’s a sinking ship being manned by drunken sailors
An escape artist behind the bars of a jailor
An asthmatic attack when they withold the inhaler

If the shoe doesn’t fit what good is a tailor
In the midst of a crisis please cancel the gala
Without a symphony there’s no need for a prelude
To foreshadow what’s to come.

See the secret committees, commence with their meetings
To make red tape in response to simple questions
Questions threaten the perception of the beneficial systems
A pyramid scheme with its cogs and its pistons

Mechanization of men, making more and more
Live in a miserable existence
How can so few, claim so many victims
And this begs the question

My rest is a weapon against the oppression
Of mans obsession to control things
Look at the long line of make believe kings
The lord of the flies wants you to kiss his ring

Follow new rules with invisible strings
And become a puppet in the diabolical scheme
How do good men become part of the regime
They don’t believe in resistance.

Hold fast like an anchor in the storm
We will not be moved

Lesson number one, overcome
Every fear of regret and confusion
It’s all illusion, delusion
Sent to disconnect the holy fusion
Of spirit and the flesh

Every mortal breath, is meant to bring forth fire
But only when the fear of death, gets consumed
On the funeral pier
So let the flames rise higher

Let every man be considered a liar
If he doubts the goodness and faithfulness of God
Itching ears will compulsively nod in approval
When unbelief is taught in all our temples and schools
But God can restrain the madness of a fool

He can bring His truth through the mouth of a mule
You can move an mountain without any tools
It just takes the faith of a little seed
to make a way through what might seem to be
Impossibility,

And the ability will match the occasion
The outcome will defy explanation
The liberation will not be televised
When it arrives like lightning in the skies

Hold fast like an anchor in the storm
For your love, we will rise and overcome
Through the fire

Hold fast my people and sing
Through peace and through suffering
All for the joy that it brings, to be free
It’s gonna cost us everything
To follow one Lord and King
True love endures everything
To be free

Hold fast, like an anchor in the storm
We will not be moved

Reluctance Can Be Good

I'm very reluctant in sharing the Gospel on Facebook. In fact, I am with anyone outside of the church. Sometimes, I get reluctant to talk about Jesus with my Christian friends who are not part of the church I go to. It makes me uncomfortable.

Knowing the Scriptures can defend itself because God doesn't need someone to defend Him, it's a hard feeling that I don't share anything about Jesus. It's not the fear of rejection. My fear is hypocrisy. If I say I'm a Christian, I represent Christianity. If I want people understand Christianity, I must demonstrate the persona of Christianity besides just talking about it. How can an athlete achieve a gold medal? By intentionally and wholeheartedly devote oneself to practice everyday to become a gold medaled athlete even if one don't win a gold medal in the end.

I can talk about the Gospel. I can talk about Jesus and how I practice my faith that came from hearing the Word of God. However, I don't talk on Facebook. I don't claim to know all the answers or my interpretations are right. I wrestle with God's Word slash Jesus's teaching. By getting answers, I'd write on Facebook, hoping that someone would help me understand or achieve a goal to become more like Jesus. But instead, I'd get arguments or blatant disagreements. My honest opinion is an opinion. If I speak truth, I point to the Scriptures and why it has affected me in such a way.

Such experiences like that make me think twice about sharing it on Facebook. I have to show it from the inside in person. When I speak, there is no going back. I need to follow up with an action to show it. That I meant it. That the Gospel is real. That how Gospel has changed me. That what Jesus is saying is actually real. That why I came to be because of it.

If I don't follow up with what I say, I'm a liar or a hypocrite. If I share on Facebook, how can they see my actions? How can they see God's love if I argue with people? How can they see that I'm genuine about faith and in loving others because God loves me? Besides, I don't need to defend my faith. I let the Scriptures speak for itself and I'm just its vessel.

If I get defensive, then it shows that I want to be right no matter how wrong I can be. That's how I tend to get on Facebook. But that doesn't speak love. I need to be real and transparent. If I don't know then I say I don't know. Honesty is a real deal. It definitely brings out the realness of self and genuine expression of faith.

Being honest is an action too. It takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable because that's when God molds us. When we're honest with ourselves and others, we become vulnerable. It's not comfortable and yet that's how we grow. Like if the soil is soft and malleable, then the plant can sprout from its seed underground. If the soil is hardened, the plant will choke and will not grow.

Reluctance can be good if you don't want to be a hypocrite. Even if you believe so strongly, you want to think twice before you say anything because you don't want to make Jesus a liar. After all, action is needed to complete the talk. To talk about God is very serious. I care so much not to fail God by lying.

A Psalm A Day

I figured I should read Psalms. One psalm a day for 150 days, starting today.

To connect my emotions and my heart to God. To see if I'm not alone thinking about God in such a way. To see how David and other psalmists felt relating to God and the world.

Brene Brown: Defining Shame

Brene Brown: Listening to Shame

This is a follow up talk. It's another great 20 minutes to take time and listen.

Brené Brown: The Power Of Vulnerability

To connect to my previous post about showing your vulnerability, I want to encourage you to take 20 minutes to sit down and listen.

Hold Every Thought Captive

My roommate advised me, "Journaling!"

I think she is alluding to 2 Corinthians 10:5b, "...take every thought captive to obey Christ," when she said, "Write down your thoughts so you know the patterns that lead to your feelings. You think internally but you never say out of your mouth. You need to get them out. Write it everyday."

At least, that's what she said to the best of my memory.

I hate journaling. Blogging? That's just once in a while thing. Blogging != Journaling. (For those who don't know discrete math or programming, != means "does not equal to".)

I think internally. I process things internally. When someone asks me a question, I think before I answer. I share my thoughts with people sometimes. Other times I don't. I think a lot but I don't actively take the thoughts out. Maybe that's where danger comes in. If I don't speak my thoughts, my thoughts can turn into lies about other people and there's no one to speak truth against them.

That's when confusion happens. Confusion makes me depressed. I expressed it in my previous post about the choices I make. It could explain why I struggled so much with myself.

"Journaling!" she repeated.

Okay. I'll do it.

"And talk to your discipleship partner, " she added. "That's what God wants. Share. Show your vulnerability. Be open and be honest. She loves you. Let God speak truth."

At least, that's what I think she is saying.

For the last note, I want to continue after the verse, "Look at what is before your eyes. If anyone is confident that he is Christ's, let him remind himself that just as he is Christ's, so also are we. For even if I boast a little too much of our authority, which the Lord gave for building you up and not for destroying you, I will not be ashamed." (2 Corinthians 10:7-8 ESV)

Times Of Doubt In Fellowship

There are times when I have doubt in my own choices. The choices I make regarding my faith in God of Israel are serious moments in my life.

In those times, I would wish God spoke clear words into my ears like a bird would sweetly sing from the wind. None from the mouths of the people around me because they could twist the words from their secret desires. I'd want to hear, "You're making the right choice here at this moment and at this place." That clear voice of the guide would put me at ease.

Also, I'd want the same clear voice would boom like a thunder and say, "You're making the wrong choice here. Go that way instead."

Sometimes, I can't trust my instincts or my heart to consider if I'm making the right choice here. I have secret desires sprouting like a boiling water while the God burns away to make room for pure love in my heart. Every choice I make from my wavering heart, ambiguous instinct or logical mind, am I believing that this is part of God's grand plan? School, jobs, friends, location, materials, church, etc.

Over the past summer and just like the summer before that, it was hard. It made me doubt if I made the right choice about the fellowship. The summer before, some people told me that I made the wrong choice. Over the past summer, different people told me things that made me questioned my choice. Am I making the right choice here?

It was difficult to trust their words because their concerns for me had nothing to do with my faith. They never once asked me how my faith was. After I made the choice, they never bothered to check with me when they spend time with me. Should this be the influence in my confidence in making that kind of choice?

My roommate advised me, "Look at your life, Annie. Look where God has led you."

Before two summers ago, I never had a fellowship as deep as my desire for the Scriptures to be true. Maybe I made the right choice. Maybe God spoke clearly to me through my roommate. I trust her because she showed concerns for me and my faith many times.

In times of doubting, I must hold fast like an anchor in the storm and believe that God is leading me where I am supposed to be.

Remembering The Nine Eleven

I remember the tragedy that struck the U.S.A. 11 years ago on this day. I was a freshman in high school. I was in Global Perspective class and the teacher turned on the TV around 9:30am. The news was showing live of the Two Towers and showing the recorded footage of a plane hitting it repeatedly in between.  All of us were shocked. But we weren't quiet. Most of us talked during the news. I silently watched because I had no friends to talk with. We watched for an hour and then we saw one of the two towers collapsed to the ground. The bell rang and we went on like it was a normal day at school.

When I got home after school, I turned on the TV and I was engrossed. It was everywhere on the news. Until I went to sleep, that was the only thing I watched that night.

A short time has passed, a dramatized documentary about the September 11 attack has made. It had showed every minute of what happened from terrorists in the airport to the aftermath.

About 3000 people died that day. Senselessly.

It is now 11 years later.  It actually happened. It was real. I was alive when a national tragedy came out of nowhere. But it feels surreal like I remember a dream so faintly. Because everyone of us quickly moved on and the war we're at seems to have lost its purpose. Our economy has gotten worse.

Since Bush declared "War on Terror", 6000 more people died. Senselessly.

Osama Bin Laden, whom the Intelligence deemed as the perpetrator, was killed last year. Why are our soldiers still fighting in the Middle East?

It is as though we are forgetting every year about September 11 attacks. Not even one out of hundred people at my work has mentioned it. I only saw one status on Facebook today honoring the dead. I don't know which is more tragic.

Complaining Away

I love to complain, but not like I am absolutely in love with the idea of complaining. It's more like I can't help it. I know complaining hurts and it destroys the sense of gratitude for simple things. So knowing how much complaining hurts my faith, I just can't help but complain about almost everything. Well, everything if I think about which things I didn't complain of.

There are global problems that everybody face. Unfortunately, some more than others. That others live so comfortably that global problems aren't present in their lives. I could fairly say that I am living comfortably if I compare myself to people who are facing serious hunger or illness or poverty or war. Although in United States, I am earning under a poverty line. I don't have health insurance so if I have serious illness, I can't have treatment. I don't starve but I eat less quality and cheap food during the weekdays. But I am still alive and enjoy privileges of having a roof over my head, a minimum wage job in a tough economic times, a car, Internet, entertainment and friends who like to treat me.

I can fairly say I'm in a safe environment. So why am I complaining? It is like throwing a gift of provision back in God's face and say, "This isn't good enough. I deserve better," when thousands of people are in serious danger.

I think it's a way of acknowledging what I have but in selfishness. Whenever I complain, it's about me not getting what I want or deserve. But there are few that are on the fence between selfishness and unfairness. Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm facing an unfair situation or I'm having a sense of entitlement. I can tell if other people are being selfish or snobby. But for me, it's hard to tell.

What I am learning from my train of thought right now? Well, nothing. I already know what complaining is and what it does. I may know sooner or later that my complaining comes from selfishness. But it sucks that I hate my job that has nothing to do with my field and I am earning way less than I would've like to when I factor in how much I invested in higher education. I feel like I abandoned my family in the dust when they rode their hopes and dreams on me. I should take actions and do something about it. Well, the thing is -- I'm not wholehearted in anything except when making a decision to follow Christ. Sometimes, I forget about that decision.

I'm still in the rut. Depression is creeping back in. My emotions are in the negative zone. What I can do? Prayer. Discipline. Gratitude. Fellowship. Giving. Focus on the heavenly realm and what is to come. God's promises. God gave me what I needed and He continues to give me what I need. I wish my wants aren't from worldly desires and I wish my feelings resonate strongly with God's desires.

Walking With God

Ecclesiastes 5:1-6 NKJV

1 Walk prudently when you go to the house of God; and draw near to hear rather than to give the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they do evil. 2 Do not be rash with your mouth, And let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; Therefore let your words be few.

3 For a dream comes through much activity, And a fool’s voice is known by his many words. 4 When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; For He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed— 5 Better not to vow than to vow and not pay. 6 Do not let your mouth cause your flesh to sin, nor say before the messenger of God that it was an error. Why should God be angry at your excuse and destroy the work of your hands? 7 For in the multitude of dreams and many words there is also vanity. But fear God.

This passage hits me because following Christ is a serious business. In verse 5, Solomon says, "it's better not to vow than to vow and not pay." God is not a toy to play with or to be manipulated. This passage reminds me how powerful God is. He holds us accountable for what we say when we walk with Him. That's why Jesus said in Matthew 5:33-37,

“Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths to the Lord.’ But I say to you, do not swear at all: neither by heaven, for it is God’s throne; nor by the earth, for it is His footstool; nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one."

And James repeats it in James 5:12,

"But above all, my brethren, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your “Yes” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No,” lest you fall into judgment."

Totally serious.

We have to be careful with words. It's important to think before we speak whether out loud or quietly in our heart. God is in heaven, in charge of us on earth, and He will judge us. He holds us accountable because He doesn't want us to be double-minded and hypocrites. Actions and words go together hand in hand. When we say we are committed to follow Christ, we must be committed wholeheartedly to follow Christ.